


You knock me off my feet!

by CloverTheGrand



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: F/F, Footnotes, Heaven & Hell, Hellfire, Holy Water, Humour, OCs galore, POV God (Good Omens), References to David Bowie, She/Her Pronouns for Michael (Good Omens), She/Her Pronouns for Satan | Lucifer (Good Omens), They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), Witty Banter, Written in the style of Good Omens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:00:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22219687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloverTheGrand/pseuds/CloverTheGrand
Summary: No matter how mighty an angel or a demon can be, every one of them is subject to be endangered by their respective Achilles' heel-- hellfire and Holy water. Once in a while, a mishap in both Heaven and Hell occurs, such as a burst pipe or an illegal fire, that results in a full-out evacuation.It is humorous if the evacuation is viewed by the other side. To an angel, it is silly how only a rather large puddle is enough to warrant one, and to a demon, it is silly how only an ignited filing cabinet is enough to warrant another. Which is why when certain leaders are stuck inside of their office, the other side is called to escort them out. One member of the other side, at least, because few are brave enough to even consider it.This doesn't make it easier between the estranged duo of Lucifer and Michael, however.[Or: Michael escorts Lucifer after Hell became flooded by Holy water, and Lucifer does the same after Heaven got set on fire by Hellfire.]
Relationships: Beelzebub & Satan | Lucifer (Good Omens), Michael & Satan | Lucifer (Good Omens), Michael/Satan | Lucifer (Good Omens) (Past)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	You knock me off my feet!

It all began earlier in the day when a pope from upstairs in Heaven blessed some Holy water for personal use. However, while doing so, he had accidentally blessed his entire tap water supply [1] . All of Heaven’s wastewater flowed into pipes that collected into the basement. Unfortunately, the basement was also where Hell was located, so this pipe of Holy water flowed through the makeshift bureaucracy like a ticking time bomb [2]. That day also happened to be the day when Sisyphus’ hand slipped while he pushed the boulder, so the boulder rolled down the hill, rammed the pipe, and burst out its contents. The water splashed Sisyphus as he ran downhill to investigate, though he was fine because he was a human soul. The water did splash the demon guard who was watching him though, so the guard was vaporised. Luckily it was also the hour when another guard started her shift, so once she saw the vaporised guard she called the alarm. 

The other demons did not believe her, so they snorted and carried on with their work. Now, because the entire tap water supply was blessed, the Holy water continue to flood the floor. It flooded the door so much that a rather large puddle leaked out of Sisyphus’ room and into the offices, but no one took any notice of it since Hell was infamous for its peculiarly bad plumbing issues. Every demon was none the wiser until one of the disposable demons stepped into the puddle and vapourised. This resulted in absolute pandemonium. Demons climbed onto whatever surface they could to look for where this flowing Holy water came from, dodged whatever liquids were dripping off the ceilings, many even screamed at random puddles (whether they were the aforementioned Holy water or not). By the time the Holy water covered every square centimetre of Hell’s walking ground, demons were flying and bumping each other left and right towards the exit while the smarter ones teleported out of their positions and onto the stairs. 

The limestone stairs between Heaven and Hell were encrusted with refugee demons who complained why no one had told them about the Holy water earlier. The lord of the flies Beelzebub stroked their chin as they scanned the crowd. Whatever casualties there were should only be lesser demons. Furthermore, all of the members of Hell’s dark council seemed to be present as well. 

All of them but one. Beelzebub froze.

Lucifer was stuck inside her office. 

Beelzebub miracled a telephone and called her office number, and thankfully someone on the other side picked up.

“Lucifer! Where are you, you should be outside, don’t you see that all of Hell is flooded with Holy water?”

_“I know that. Give me a second, I need to do something important.”_

“Then finish it, we need you right now.”

_“No no, it’s something I can only do manually in my office.”_

“What kind of work makes you do that? Nevermind. Just teleport outside to the stairs.”

_“In a minute!”_

“What if the Holy water touches you? We can’t lose the most important member of the Dark Council to a bad plumbing issue!”

 _“Oh,_ sweetheart, _”_ Lucifer spat with venom in her words, _“I’ll come out when I say so.”_ The line went dead at that instant.

Beelzebub stared at their phone. It better be something important. They sighed as they sat on the stairs. What could they do? They couldn’t go to her office to carry Lucifer out, even if they flew down, because her office was too narrow for their wings to fit. Teleportation was out of the question since Lucifer would refuse the offer. It was frustrating-- and only because of ankle-deep Holy water too! if only Beelzebub was immune to Holy water, then they would be able to carry Lucifer out here in a heartbeat.

A lightbulb flashed in Beelzebub’s head, then they dialled a number to upstairs. While a demon couldn’t enter because of all the Holy water, an angel could. Luckily the one angel who had good relations with Hell also happened to be the one angel who would be unafraid of escorting Lucifer. 

Michael was the one who defeated her, after all.

* * *

There was a reason why no soul in Hell, demon or mortal, was allowed to peek inside of Lucifer’s filing cabinets.

The truth was that they were filled with anything but.

While Lucifer put her files into an anonymous secure location, these cabinets in her office were stuffed with miscellaneous items Lucifer picked up whenever she visited Earth. She stuffed many valuables inside there, about anything you can imagine [3]. The keyword here was stuffed. See, these cabinets were not organised. A determined enough individual could find the other half of a shoe pair in the other end of her office. Of course, this only added difficulty for Lucifer to collect all of the items she needed before she could come outside. But Lucifer was determined to collect her favourites, and so this only prolonged the time Lucifer had to spend in her flooded office.

Lucifer clutched her vinyl collection as she perched on her throne. (Mind you, a _papal_ throne. While the nature of these Holy objects meant that demons could not touch them, Lucifer cleverly worked around this limit using the ship of Theseus paradox. The throne's ornaments were stripped so that the skeleton remained, and then each part was replaced bit by bit with unblessed wood and metal. Therefore once the process was over, while it was technically a papal throne, it was simultaneously another throne altogether. Not that it stopped the throne from giving her bad luck every time she sat on it. What seemed to be a sturdy leg would snap whenever Lucifer sat on the throne wrong. The lengths of the legs looked fine, but they fluctuated on random circumstances, causing whoever sat on it to feel like they were sitting on an uneven rock on one day to sitting on the edge of a sloping cliff face on the other. Right now the throne wobbled beneath Lucifer as she peered at the rising Holy water. She could only hop- aspire that the throne felt merciful today and won't give her an unwarranted baptism.)

These albums were a collection of her favourite musicians’ greatest hits-- John Coltraine, George Gershwin, Duke Ellington, to name a few. Wrapped up in her detached cape to give anonymity about the contents-- any odd demon who saw the cloth package would assume that they were important files Lucifer had rescued. These were a few albums Lucifer managed to grab from cabinets that were an arm’s length away from her, even if she had to dig deep. She was lucky that the cabinets around her desk did not have any leaks [4]. While Lucifer could teleport outside right here, right now, the only problem was that she was still searching for one more thing-- a signed copy of her favourite David Bowie album. Unfortunately, that album was under the gramophone near the entrance, which Lucifer could not reach because of the ghastly Holy water that covered the floor. 

It would seem that she couldn’t get that one album out before it got ruined by the Holy water. It can be miracled bone dry once the Holy water was drained out, but demonic miracles had little use on items that touched Holy water, and the most it’d do was to dry out the already ruined vinyl. At the very least, she won’t have to admit that she liked glam rock once she got out to the stairs [5]. But, if Lucifer was lucky enough, that cabinet should also lack leaks. If only she could reach it and confirm it for herself. 

She raised her head once someone cleared their throat. Unfortunately, she recognised that polite, high-strung voice all too well. She growled.

True to her suspicions, it was Michael who was standing in the Holy water. She had the expression of a wet cat on her face as she crossed her arms. It was a nearly comical contrast when considering how she was dressed in that fancy pastel suit of hers. Why her? Why was she here, an Archangel deep in the heart of Hell? Lucifer rolled her eyes once she realised who to blame for this.

“Let me guess. Beelzebub sent you to escort me. Wouldn’t think the mighty Archangel Michael would fancy getting her spats wet voluntarily.”

“That is correct. But no, I do not mind getting doused. Is a puddle too much for you, oh queen of darkness?” Beelzebub could not wait just one more hour, didn’t they? The ruined Bowie album did not seem that bad after all. 

Lucifer rubbed her temple. “Might as well. Open up that cabinet, would you?”

“What?”  
  
“The cabinet beneath the gramophone.” 

Michael compiled. Once she did so, she furrowed her eyebrows. 

“Hmm. _The rise and fall of Ziggy Stardust and the spiders_ -”

“Give it.”

“Is Bowie popular in Hell-”

“Don’t you say a word about that. Just toss it to me…”

Lucifer’s voice trailed off once Michael lifted the album up by the edge. The album was completely soaked. She grimaced. There went all her plans to save it. 

To her surprise, Michael placed a finger over her lips. She clicked her fingers and suddenly the album was dry and in mint condition, as new as the day Lucifer got it.

“Not a word,” Michael ordered as she threw the album towards Lucifer. Lucifer grimaced at how carelessly it was flung, but luckily she was able to pluck the album out of the air and stuff it between the other ones before folding over the package with her cape.

“Good,” she started. “Just don’t fling it like a discus next time, Zephyrus.”

Michael raised an eyebrow. “You did say to toss it, which is very similar. Or would you like for me to undo that miracle and make that vinyl wet again?”

“You’re being awfully chatty for someone who said not to mention it.”

Michael raised an eyebrow and opened her mouth to search for a comeback but could only come up with a short huff. Instead, she waded towards Lucifer’s throne. 

“Beelzebub’s going to fuss an hour more every second we’re down here,” Michael justified.

“So you’re just going to carry me out...” Lucifer then realised the implications of those words. How was Michael going to escort you if she was the only one here? She gulped once she realised that they’d need to be physically touching each other if that was the case. “I see you... came very unprepared,” Lucifer muttered as Michael glanced away.

Michael was quiet. Very quiet. 

“You didn’t think this through, did you?”

“Oh, I do not know, perhaps I should bring a bloody palanquin the next time a pipe bursts in Hell.”

“It’d be your choice either way.”

“Not that I have one in this situation.”

“Really now? Look at the ground, you’re an arsonist who’s been handed an atomic bomb.” [6]

Michael furrowed her brows at that statement. Instead, she turned her back towards Lucifer. A back ride.

“No.”

“I’ll even hold your albums.”

“You know what the real issue is, Michael.”

Michael sighed and faced Lucifer so that she was perpendicular to her, then she crouched. Lucifer widened her eyes as Michael’s arm hooked under Lucifer’s knees. 

“I have a reputation to maintain, I’m not emerging in a bridal carry!” 

“Do you want to emerge in a fireman’s carry instead? Because we’re out of options.”

Lucifer furrowed her eyebrows as she thought of how firemen slung people across their shoulders like a ragdoll. She rubbed her own eyes and growled. Oh, God, she thought as Michael’s hand snaked around the valley of her waist. If I ever meet You and You have a corporeal form, I am going to stomp You on the foot in vengeance for this very moment. 

Which, between you and I, is quite worrying. 

Lucifer decided to get the upper hand for once. She shuffled so that she was facing Michael, unhooked one of Michael’s arms from her knees, then directed it to be just above the other arm. There. Even though this pose still had the same amount of contact, at least it didn’t look humiliating enough (or at least, it looked odd enough to avoid connotations) to put Lucifer’s dignity at stake. Lucifer shifted her own arms so that they gripped around her albums tighter. She repositioned herself so that she was kneeling on the throne. 

Michael grimaced and glanced away, then huffed and rubbed her temple.

“Well? Like you said. What other choice do we have?”

Michael glared. To prove a point, Lucifer raised her head high to say that she was ready. Michael simply stayed in the same position.

“Go on, I’m waiting-”

Lucifer yelped once Michael’s arms tightened around the small of her back. Then she was hoisted off her throne and into the air.

The problem with Lucifer’s proposed position was that even though it lacked the social connotations of the back carry, the bridal carry and the fireman carry, considering how the front of the abdomens had to touch each other, this pose would have at least one close face-to-face moment if not careful. In Lucifer’s mind, she had planned to be hoisted a little higher-- ideally so that the bottom of her chin only touched the top of Michael’s forehead. But Michael was not Lucifer, and so all she thought was how close their faces would have to be if Lucifer was a little lower. Michael just wanted to show Lucifer how uncomfortably close this position would be for both of them, that was all. She wanted to hoist her close enough so that the tips of their noses grazed each other, uncomfortable enough for the both of them so that Lucifer would change her mind. It was too bad Michael overestimated the force needed to hoist Lucifer and overshot.

They found each others’ lips to be touching.

Lucifer yanked back and covered her mouth. In her mind, she understood that Michael wanted to show her just how uncomfortable the proposed position was. She understood Michael’s intent, alright, but she thought that the accidental touch was part of an invasive, desperate plan, too. Lucifer shot Michael a glare. How dare you touch me that way again. Don’t you have any shame? You are better than that. 

Her expression softened once she saw Michael’s. Those bicoloured eyes were wide as they jittered, yes, while her bottom eyelids tensed and her brow furrowed. Michael’s gold-dusted lips were parted as she breathed. She was nervous. As Michael blinked and glanced away, Lucifer realised that Michael did not want that either. It was just a small mistake. 

She could let that mistake slip. But Lucifer wasn’t sure whether she should say that right now. Lucifer blinked and glanced away too as she tightened her grip on the package. They stayed like that for a while, stuck in a purgatory of silence as Michael gripped around the small of Lucifer’s waist. Only the sound of trickling water filled in the empty space. Even with her own arms in the way, Lucifer could feel Michael’s heart thump under her rib cage as the beats echoed inside the dark, cold office.

Several millenniums had passed since they had stayed together this close for this long when they were young and naive. Lucifer forgot how long it had been since then. Once upon a time, she missed being touched like this. How could she have forgotten something like that? But the day was growing old, and even purgatory could not last forever. 

“Come on. Let’s go now.”

* * *

And so Michael waded through the flooded corridors of Hell, both of Michael’s arms gripped around Lucifer’s waist as she tucked her own ones around her parcel. 

To minimise any splashing, Michael swung her steps side by side, pushing the water away. Lucifer’s knees were stuck together in a 90 degrees angle to avoid the water, so her shins swung to the direction of Michael’s strides. For the first time in her life Lucifer was glad that she was 6 inches shorter than Michael-- all the easier to stay away from the Holy water as Michael held her a little above eye level. They glanced separate ways as Michael carried her, however. All the easier to stay calm about this situation. Since Lucifer’s hands were occupied with gripping her parcel, it was up to Michael to not let go. Michael won’t, however. Lucifer was quite sure.

“So. Is Bowie a popular musician in Hell?”

“What?”

“Is Bowie a popular musician in Hell.”

Lucifer raised her head to look at Michael. She could tell that Michael had a neutral sheepish look on her face, even though Michael was glancing away. “What makes you say that? Are you trying to start some small talk?”

“Well, yes.”

“Well yes? We ki-”

“We weren’t able to answer my question from earlier at all.” She said it as if the earlier incident had not happened at all. Lucifer understood what she meant. Fine, she supposed if she had to part ways with Michael soon she would want a less uncomfortable memory, too.

“Why yes. Yes he is.”

She nodded. “That is nice to hear. Heaven has less contemporary tastes. We are still finding Schubert’s compositions to be at the mode.”

“ _À_ la mode. It’s French. You were there during the tower of Babel, were you not?”

Michael furrowed her brows. “No, not directly but I have heard about it through word of mouth. Then again, I don’t recall seeing you during Tartini’s pact with the devil.” 

Lucifer furrowed her eyebrows as she shot Michael the dirtiest glare she could fester. [7] “Let me tell you a secret.”

“Hurry up then.”

“Do you listen to Mozart in Heaven?”

“No, we do not.”

“Even with all those religious harmonies he wrote?”

“Given his rambunctious lifestyle, it’s likely because the art department has to monitor them first.”

“And how many years ago did they start?”

Michael pursed her lips. “Not my department.”

“Not your department. Yes. And Schubert is approved?”

“It appears so. Very recently.”

“So the art department is still monitoring music written 300 years ago?” 

“Perhaps.”

“What crimes was Schubert famous for?”

“What? Well, not many, I think.”

“Since Schubert is so nouveau in Heaven, yet also 300 years old, compared to Mozart, who is still being monitored, and you got your languages mixed up, maybe you angels just have bad memories.”

Michael’s jaw dropped into a small, circular shape as her eyes widened. She stopped wading through the water, then shot a dirty glare too. Lucifer simply shrugged.

They were eventually distracted though by the light at the end of the tunnel. The stairs. Michael paced a little faster, though she was careful not to cause any splashes. Lucifer straightened herself as she heard the chatter of various demons on the stairs at the sight of their queen. 

There was some commotion amongst the demons at the fact that an Archangel was carrying the queen of Hell, though Michael retaliated by immediately placing Lucifer onto the limestone stairs. 

As Lucifer fixed up the unravelled fabric around the albums, she felt a stare on her. Lucifer glanced up to see Michael who was staring.

“What?”

Michael tilted her head then blinked, the gold dust on her eyelids shimmering. But a dangerous smirk was gathering at the corner of her mouth, and Lucifer realised that she was eyeing her albums. It also dawned to Lucifer that by ordering Michael to fetch her album, she had given her rival the upper hand. “Nothing,” Michael purred. “Though I do wish that you would enjoy your _Ziggy Stardust and the spiders from Mars_ album immensely.” Lucifer’s jaw dropped as a commotion buzzed. “It must be worth a lot, queen of darkness, if you were risking getting doused by Holy water just to rescue it.”

And then all Hell broke loose. 

Some demons made miscellaneous noises of confusion, some cackled at the revelation, some shook their head in disappointment, some cheered and hollered out the lyrics to ‘Starman’ [8]. Lucifer tightened her grips around her albums and glanced at the Dark Council. Asmodeus rolled his eyes and rubbed his temple, directing his gaze away from Lucifer. Mammon was barking out a hearty guffaw as he held his fat stomach. Belphegor was luckily taking a nap and took no notice of the commotion. Beelzebub’s eyes bulged out of their sockets as they stared at Lucifer, while their assistant Dagon scrunched her eyebrows as she blinked.

“Are those just albums? You stayed behind just to save some music albums?” Beelzebub muttered in disgust. Dagon tutted.

Lucifer whipped her head back towards Michael. “You aren’t supposed to _say that_ ,” She hissed. Lucifer gasped at a realisation. “Did you save my album just to do this!”

But oh. Oh, Michael only grinned the most wicked grin and stuck out her hands. “What can I say? I’m simply a forgetful angel.” Lucifer’s eye twitched. “À bienôt, Luci.” Michael clicked her fingers, and she was gone.

Lucifer let out her held breath. Inside her chest was a cocktail of annoyance and embarrassment. Despite this, she still managed to bark out a laugh.

Michael was such a bastard.

* * *

1 Since this was a Medieval pope he was still unfamiliar with how modern plumbing worked, and so forgot to put in the plug, and so compensated by screwing the tap until more water flowed into the sink than out.[return to text]

2 It worked for the concept of Hell. While Heaven’s wastewater was all clean (guaranteed by the lack of a corporal body for Heaven’s inhabitants), it was still a slap in the face to use second-hand water.[return to text]

3 One of these cabinets includes, but not limited to: five saxophones, two Degas paintings, seven clarinets, nine Ming dynasty vases, three of Judy Garland’s Dorothy Gale ruby slippers, six hookas, eight Prada handbags, and a piano.[return to text]

4 Even the ruler of Hell could only settle with discarded furniture. They were functional, at least.[return to text]

5 While the rest of Hell enjoyed the psychedelic pop tunes of the late 20th century, Lucifer did not like the tackiness and opted to stick with jazz. David Bowie’s music did eventually change her mind. But she still had a reputation to uphold, and at the very least, the fact that she couldn’t find the Bowie album would mean a less likely chance for anyone to see it. [return to text]

6 Not that Michael would try to. Once demons touch Holy water, they become reborn as angels rather than cease to be, albeit with their memories wiped clean. It would be a very risky political movie for the queen of Hell to be reborn into an angel again. Either enough to destabilise the bureaucracy of Hell or enough to garner a surprise revolution. The details were too complicated to deal with, so it was universally agreed in Heaven to not ever follow through with this plan. [return to text]

7 Tartini’s devil was an impersonator, and so garnered the stereotype that Lucifer liked the sound of violins when Lucifer had never even heard of the man in her life. It became very trendy to learn how to play the violins amongst demons after the rumour spread to Hell. Sometimes entire violin performances were devoted to Lucifer as demons left and right proclaim her as the violin master. Lucifer, in fact, hated violins.[return to text]

8 Very poorly recited lyrics. Lucifer had to fight every muscle in her body to preserve whatever ounce of dignity she had left and refrained from correcting that demon with the correct ones.[return to text]

**Author's Note:**

> Truth be told, I am still trying to figure out the dynamic of this ship. It’s sort of a mixture of witty banter that wears down each others’ public masks to reveal and accept who they are on the inside, as well as a melancholy knowing that fate had always intended to split them apart, whether they respect or have loved each other or not. Their banter in this fic does turn a little mean at some points, but I hope I’ve conveyed the intention well enough! ^^
> 
> I do headcanon Lucifer and Satan are different characters. Since various demon irl are referred to as Satan, such as Beelzebub and Asmodeus, and Satan means 'adversary/to stray away from' in contrast to Lucifer, which is a name for Venus, I headcanon that maybe Satan is an abstract entity for evil. Which could explain why Satan in the show is so computer-generated.
> 
> Michael's heterochromia is an in-joke. I swore that Michael had green eyes, except that every time I searched up 'Michael Good Omens', pictures of Michael Sheen kept on showing up, so I couldn't confirm it for sure. When I finally found a picture of Michael I was devastated to find out that her eyes are actually blue, so I decided to f it and give her heterochromia.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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